Summer is supposed to be what we make it.
Mine has been nothing like I wanted it to be so far.
I don’t feel empty, I just feel still, too still.
I feel moved right now to laugh at myself for how shallow and fragile I treat me.
That may not make sense, it’s okay.
Praise God
I am learning a lot right now about what it really means to know someone and not just take them at face value. I mean, a lot about that right now.
Oh golly…If you only knew.
Life isn’t about all that crap we are told we should want. We try to fancy it up, put Christian lingo and philosophy onto everything but it doesn’t matter. It’s not about the job, the money, the career, the car, the savings. It’s not about our faults, or failures, or the crap. God cares about sin, but it doesn’t matter. We should stop sinning because we don’t have to. Because we are free. It doesn’t matter.
I miss my family a lot. I miss being a kid, having dogs, playing in the leaves, wrestling with my brother. I miss being able to wake up and be free. I miss the joy, I miss the experience, and I feel as though I don’t shine those feelings I get when I think about those times into my everyday life. I miss my brother and I playing action figures, I miss having a pool and getting bitten by horse flies, and I miss not going, or doing, or spending, or living up to a certain expectation other than being yourself. I look at my parents’ relationship, what it has been and what it is now, and I want it. I find myself looking for a goal lately, for something to do or become or strive for. I think that’s it. If I am lucky enough to have a family as wonderful as mine was when I was growing up I will count myself the most fortunate person in the world, and I would soak up every single second of it. I don’t want to say that I won’t be happy if I don’t have a family but rather I think I would rather cherish those things than the other junk we all seem to shoot for.
Nate told me something today. He looked right at me and with a big smile said “People like you Matt”, and then proceeded to talk about it. I didn’t even know it, but I needed that so much. It’s at times like these I am honored to be his best man.
I don’t know what this was about, but there.
I saw this image on a friends Tumblr and it made me want to respond in the following way:
Okay, I don’t have a lot to do this summer. It is what I chose, and I am grateful for it no doubt. I know that I am going to learn a lot but right now I am still trying to get into the groove of things. I have money in a savings account and on top of that I get paid a small stipend “salary” every two weeks. I have money…but I also have groceries, and lessons, and a girlfriend, and I have to come out at least even in August.
This is what I am trying to say — I desire to spend. Simply put that is where I am at. I have had a rough go around with money. From spending too much my freshmen year than learning how to balance out, and now I feel the pull. It doesn’t matter what I buy or if I need it or not…i just want to spend.
It’s sick. I hate it. I have been doing pretty well, and I haven’t spent much at all really. But to give you an example, I had a very productive morning. Breakfast with friends, laundry, cleaning my room/rearranging furniture, going for a run, lunch, shower - then I was free. Free to do anything I desired. I didn’t even think about for longer than 2 seconds, but Target popped into mind so I went there. I literally walked around Target, with no need for anything except windshield wiper fluid (believe me I tried to think of something) for over an hour. I tried on clothes, looked at movies/music/GPS systems. I looked at the clearance, and the blenders, and the water bottles.
I didn’t buy anything - and I do feel successful. I don’t know if you can relate to anything, but i just had to get it off my chest.
I like to spend money. I hate that I like this. I am repressing it, and to be completely honest, have started praying about it. There ya have it.
even with a breakthrough such as today, my thoughts consume me
oh gosh, its going to be a long summer.
week 1, complete.
I have been emotional…
…on the verge of tears daily.
I a torn between statisfaction and unsatisfaction…
…I am turning back towards God…
…and I have checked out emotionally, I am afraid, in certain areas of life.
I just feel weird.
1. pray
2. stop and count to 10
3. read for pleasure
4. find comfort in the decisions that I make
5. care for myself
6. tell the people I love how much they mean to me
7. call my grandparents
8. talk to my old friends from high school
9. live within a normal schedule that doesn’t stress me out
10. homework
….Freshmen Spring Orientation Days….
…this is why I want to be an RA again.
Thank you Lord. :)
i didn’t get the job i applied for this summer. I thought I had it.
no, i don’t know where i am at with this yet, but thanks for asking.
…the heck do I want to be an RA again?
Libby, your most recent note encouraged me so much and filled me with so much joy.
