Post-graduate life has been so far from everything I expected to be.
So
very
far.
I never thought God would bless me through His stillness. Stillness. It seems such an unusual thing to consider but at the same time it seems so commonly desired. Last summer I was given a break, a chance to just be. One year later I find myself on the fringe of the same calendar year with a drastically different outlook. I am ready. I am ready to be given a green light, to be drawn to something, to work. I am ready to pour myself into a career that I believe in. I am ready to find a passion that is God breathed. I am ready.
I started a job last week - a job that was simply a job, something for me to use as a way of generating income and getting ahead on my financial obligations. After two days, 7500 conversations with people I love and one final gut feeling that I believe to have been God given, I quit. Yes, I quit my job. It was a real, adult, salaried position at a very successful insurance company but it wasn’t hard to realize that it wasn’t me. I don’t want to work for “the man”. I don’t want to be indispensable. I’m not saying that Christians shouldn’t work for large corporations because I know that God has some of us there. All I am saying is that I didn’t and still don’t believe He has me there.
This week since then has been hard. I am waiting, stuck between hope and doubt. I am expecting a phone call any day now about a job I would love to devote my days to and I am waiting. If I don’t get it I honestly do not know how I will feel or what I will think. I just don’t know right now. But I do know that this season of waiting and of not working is different than last summer. God has an end for me, whether that be graduate school or a part-time job at a company I don’t have to invest in. I know it, I just know it.
Call me crazy, please. Someone look me in the eye and tell me that I am crazy and that all these feelings and everything are dumb and foolish and that I gave up something great for something so uncertain. Please, someone call me crazy because no one has yet to but me.
That is why (like I say in most every post I write) God is so good. He has but a support around me unlike anything I ever expected, seriously. My parents, brother, girlfriend, future sister-in-law, roommate, and friends all know I am where I am supposed to be right now. They don’t know about tomorrow, next week, or the summer and to be honest I don’t know about the minute when I complete this post. It’s good. It’s really quite good.
I love God and I have suffocated my anxiety and fear with His words and thoughts about His love for me thus far. I need to pray more, I need to choke out the worry even more, but I am good, and I feel loved. Ultimately, I have realized through this process how unimportant a career can be to life.
My brother gets married in three weeks and I am starting to get a little sad. I am starting to remember the Legos, the action figures and the fights. I am starting to remember how far we’ve come over the past 7 years and how much he is my best friend. It’s when I think about that I realize how little I care about where I am in a job right now.
There is so much to say about how loved I feel by the Lord’s stillness. It’s not easy to wrestle with yourself everyday and if I am being honest I normally lose. At the end of it though I know that God has been so good to me. I am thankful for the stillness and for the feeling of being stuck because I know that there is no way I can move unless He moves me.
{sigh}
It is well my friends. It is well.
